typing this on my bed, in switzerland, in some pretty hotel, listening to skyfall, musing a little, because i still do that from time to time. Switz is a beautiful place, perfect for musings like these. Better still, do it in some quiet coffee place, paired with a small quaint table, a mug of macchiato and a small sandwich.
Sometimes i miss my old life, the one where i used as many swear words as i please and was pretty much bad-ass. I mean its so much easier to just exclaim things like, ‘oh look at that hideous outfit’ or go like ‘that guy is a mother jackass, screw him’ with gusto, there is that sense of slight emancipation that gratifies our jaded souls. Its not that i dont do these things now but i keep it mostly inside while admonishing myself for being so nasty.
Used to spend a lot of time wondering about the age old, cliched, meaningless, hedonistic pursuit, question; what is life? And i never found the answer - even though i thought i did on many occasions, what pride, tsktsk - mind you, nor have i came close to living life any fuller while i contemplated over it. But it was interesting to have thought about it and attempting to figure it out.
A large portion of my time was also spent reflecting over friendships and people who i hold close to my heart. I am and will always be sentimental that way, though it was in kinda of a bad way before.
Did a whole lot of internal ‘moving’ and idiotic grasps at notions of self-concocted nirvana. Fell short, experienced bitter disappointment, picked myself up, tried it again, obviously failed again and then repeat.
I do miss all these because this is the natural me. Im obnoxious, proud, self-centered, egotistic and hedonistic.
Sometimes i do wonder how my friends will accept this drastic change in me. I fear too, my narrowed, undaunted pursuit of the cross would affect how i feel towards the people who do not share that same pursuit, how it might possibly adversely affect us.
And i can’t say i have to balance it out because the cross will always come first. I dont worry because i have my one and only to work things out for me but what about others?
I have absolutely no idea why im typing this. HAHA but its in my head and i just found inspiration here in switz. Really is a enchanting place. <3
Haha the thing is, i no longer see the need to tumblr. Whys that? Its because i’ve used tumblr as a form of venting and letting off steam. It’s also an indirect means of expressing my displeasure towards others. Hehe now you know.
However since my faith level increased and i begin a real journey with my one and only Lover, i realized that i no longer feel the things i once did. The truth is i’ve become a different person altogether. And there is a freedom i experience that i simply can’t describe.
Has life become better? I really dont know. The thing is i have been so blessed all my life that i dont have a right to ever complain. He has been so partial and kind to me in so many ways i cant even begin to describe them to you. Okay so maybe life isn’t better but i’ll tell you for sure, its definitely not empty.
I used to wander through life not making heads or tails of it; or concocting some ill-conceived notion that was more ass than brain. Life now is full, every moment i spent, i struggle with sin, growing in Him, purifying myself, attempting to bring joy to others, and simply basking in His love. (bless the Lord)
All those times i spent wondering how i’ve left myself short-changed, wading in a seemingly bottomless pool of self-pity, thinking how life sucks, blah blah emo emo drama drama, well if i could, i would turn back the hands of time and spent them all devoting them to God instead.
I’m not saying im a saint henceforth, heck, more than ever before, i see the dark recesses of my humanity; my most private profaneness, my secret transgressions, the fullness and entirety of my blasphemy. (WAH AYG CHEEM, im just saying im a very rotten person, #justsoyouknow) It’s all so clear to me now. I SUCK but its okay, because its only when i suck, i have room to grow and lessons to learn. And i rly enjoy this process im taking with Him.
Have you ever felt that sense of purpose when you undertake a mission. That feeling like you know you’re headed in the right direction. Well that’s exactly how i feel! I can approach every day looking forward to learning something new, or revising something old. Sure maybe some days will still be bad and seemingly against you. Or maybe some days you just feel disconnected, dispirited and maybe even disillusioned. But the amazing thing is once you’ve made that connection with him, like the most faithful lover, he will always chase/court/lure/(what have you may) you back.
Picture this ah, the all-powerful, omnipotent, omniscient, supreme one, your Lover, your husband, your friend, your Father.. its mind-boggling but true!
Why am i typing this? You probably think i’m trying to spread christianity, or maybe you think i’m just in some nonsense religious phase and maybe you think i’m possessed. LOL. Haha you might be right, i dont know. But i whatever i say, i’ve experienced for myself. It is truth to me. But it’s alright if its not truth to you.
If you ask me, i dont like forcing people to Christ. I hate ppl who say you go to **** if you dont believe in Christ. Because anyone who goes down that road, thinks they can take a shortcut to heaven, learns nothing, loves nothing and realizes nothing. What i really wish is for everyone to feel that love i’ve felt. That strength i’ve received. The tangibility of His presence. That absolute trust that you can place in Him. His miracles. The joy of His fellowship. AND His occasional teasing and making fun of you (rly it happens!)
OK i end here. If you think what’ve said made sense (and i heap mountains of praise on you for actually reading everything!) just talk to me if you want to know more!
When i wished upon my balloon, i wished my friends would know God the way i did. :D
… after taking 2 hours to do THREE -SERIOUSLY ONLY THREE- econs questions. I feel irrelevant and mildly retarded at the moment. Meanwhile char is about to finish her 1000 word essay, which in comparison, is many times more accomplished than what i have achieved in the past 2hrs. BOOO
Had DG with my sm today and told him how i wanted to just simply lay everything down and pursue the cross. Explained my dilemma between passion and responsibilities. He reasoned it this way: if God had wanted me to serve him now, he would have taken me away already. He wouldn’t be leaving me here. And you know what, you can’t argue with that.
So dear one, pls, bestow on me all the strength and wisdom i need to cope with my infinitely atrocious studies.
A sleepless night as i ponder over a few things.
Petty things like where in the world my house key and gate remote disappeared to. My mini speakers mysterious and mildly amusing vanishing.
And there are the larger things like how behind i am in my studies. Yet i don’t seem to feel any sense of urgency as im shadowed by this perpetual overhanging sense of complacence.
But what bothers me most is all Christ related. Which is most disconcerting because i really want to literally lay down everything and just simply pursue God. And it would be the correct thing to do but i dont think it’s right for me to simply forsake all my worldly responsibilities. God might have taught me to pursue him with all my heart but He never said i could be irresponsible in doing so. But in trying to keep up with my non-Christ related commitments, i always end up either forsaking His ways or i end up doing both badly. I feel torn in so many pieces yet held tgth simply by His grace and strength. It really is most… disconcerting, to feel so torn yet so determined..
Everytime i come here with the intention of glorifying and praising him, i end up at a loss for words.
Sometimes i think, its because He’s beyond words.
The greatest form of Pride is being too proud to even recognize that you are proud. To feel superior and yet behave inferior-ly.
It sickens me to know that i’m actually capable of such blasphemy. It really does.
NO MORE PLS. It’s frighteningly mortifying to see me guilty of such decadence.
i should be ‘zapped’
I prayed for strength to grow into You and to live in your ways. I prayed for forgiveness and redemption. I prayed for you to stay in my heart and to cast out the darkness. You answered:
I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; i will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And i will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
I couldn’t help but cry. Thank you so much for answering my prayer and letting me know that i have been and will be heard. Praise you the Lord who has been nothing but amazing.
Please don’t leave me
i want to find a day to just camp at a really ulu starbucks, type a long post about my dearest Lord, how precious He’s been and how i need him so. Why? Because i finally managed to get Him back in my life and realized how much i miss Him so.
But i really have too much on my plate. Life meeting and src interview tmr. Work and tuition on wed. A full day of sch on thurs and dinner plans. Another full day of sch on Friday and a weekend of birthdays, work and dinners. I have scrapbooks to make, cards to prepare and presents to buy. HELP
I also agreed to a really impromptu overseas malacca trip with my ex-colleagues from the Police Force (hahaha! sounds cool hor). So weird, my first overseas trip w/o my family and its not with my favourite friends. (shrugs)
NO TIME NO TIME NO TIME
But I should not be making the Lord take a back seat. Time to squeeze time out.
All of a sudden my organiser is packed full of activities. Work, commitments, sch, cca, meet-ups. Holistic as it is, i hardly find time to just nua.
I’m definitely biting off more than i can chew. Shall seriously consider quitting my job.