No Luck in Milk Tea

Despite the ongoing spate of misfortune and grief, i still wanna take time to thank you guys for being infinitely encouraging and genuinely concerned. And i don’t care for solutions, your long walls of texts (some all the way from vietnam) and missed calls are enough to give me the strength to stay strong.

So thank you very much. All of you. 

Its quite hard to describe the disappointment and how demoralized i feel. I feel worthless, like im good for nothing. All those years of studies and to be rejected by all three universities. It’s quite a bitter pill to swallow.

I know, i probably thought too highly of myself. With substandard grades, i deliberately left out courses which are comparatively easier to get into. Who else am i to blame?

It’s not that i have anything against SIM. But i fear the stigmatization that comes with it. It is nothing glorious to boast about. And i know there will be people who will hear the word SIM and cringe in their head; urgh, this guy cant study one, must be stupid or smth.

I have no self esteem left to speak of. I feel inferior. Every single one of my friends are in the 3 Us. Every single one. And it just reminds me how my experience will be so utterly different. To know that i will never be able to past these people in sch and say a random hi or bye. 

Its really quite hard to bear and an even harder fact to accept. And while all the tears and anguish come and go, what else can i do if not deal with reality..

been d3ing alot. these days i play games like a mother fast. i’ve already completed the game on one difficulty and halfway thru the next difficulty. so sad because i paid like 75 for it and i wanted to savour and enjoy it slowly. sigh. (no1 faster come back so we can play!)

rebooted my strict exercise regime after my 4 days hiatus. now my arms are like a floppy from swimming lol.

i wish i could say im not bothered. and even though i realized its almost been a half a year since things took a turn for the worse, ive not been able to completely put it behind me. it actually irritates me because i have better things to worry about. especially since i just received my rejection from SMU and im already actually feeling mother shitty. so yea, i do have better things to worry about. 

looking back always makes me feel really tumultuous and disconsolate. i do not know what to think nor know what to do.

it does not matter anw. at least im convinced of that much.

Feeling so very confused and troubled. Been talking and everyone’s saying the same thing. But i can’t come to terms with myself. 

intended to put some sappy sweet thing here but i’m feeling kind of cranky and miffed so.. no. 

but i will say i’ve enjoyed all the meetups thoroughly if not immensely.

im mother poor now. in 2 weeks i will be grandmother poor. and in 3 weeks, ill be great grandmother poor. by the end of the summer hols, i would have resorted to passing off my ancestors hellnotes as cash, and then i would be very rich or … very mad. lol (pardon the slight blasphemy)

but im too engrossed controlling my diet and doing my daily routines of exercises. i am honestly in no mood to dedicate my time to any job. 

oh well, im gg to be off to sleep soon. cant wait to have thai food dinner with the laokuis. (it will be such a good reason to set myself free from the hellish no food list ive been imposing upon myself; no rice, bread, carbs i.e never feeling satisfied)

there are some people that i miss. but so what? its just sentiment. it will go away. the once tragic pain and scars however are always here to stay.

D3 tmr. then i will have absolutely no time to think. hohoho

as i’ve found out time after time. Take all the exercise i’ve been doing as an example. So much effort, 9k after 9k, hr after hr of swimming, and yet the difference is so subtle and minute. 

Sigh. but still that’s no reason to give up. i’ll just have to up it. UPUPUPUP.

:D

• the indian bitch who took the pole on the mrt all for herself by leaning on it.
• the idiotic couple who shoved me one side so you two can touch your bodies.
• the inconsiderate bozos who blocked me on the escalator.
• this lmh’s “dress to impress” 21st bday theme. LOL
• the daredevil retarded nutjobs who bust the red light at my bus stop.

whether i’m doing the right thing. 

It bothers me. Honestly, it does. And while i’m usually the kind of guy who seeks reconciliation and resolution in life, i have my steely moments and an occasionally hardened heart as well. Perhaps it upsets me to know that i lost what i use to think of as a great and truly treasured friend.  

But we all have to make choices in life. You made yours and therefore i made mine. 

Maybe when the embitterment fades with time, in retrospect, i may regret this, or maybe i won’t. I won’t be able to tell now. 

I will only leave it in my Love’s hands and trust what he has in store for me.